How to CARKASS a MONO. (Advanced guide) (UPDATED: 10/3/10)
There are many techniques on how to CARKASS a MONO. (you are learning from the best) Read on, and I shall make you an elitist CARKASSER!
Before you attempt to CARKASS a MONO, you must read this guide first.
See the Hubpages Version for bonus content!
Sections
* How to Stalk your MONO
* Holds
* Stances
* CARKASSING Maneuvers
* CARKASSING Levels
* CARKASSING Percentages
* Special Attacks
* The Code of MONO
How to Stalk your MONO
Cougar Style
1. Lie in ambush in a certain spot, waiting for the MONO to cross your path.
2. Once MONO is within striking distance, silently move towards it.
3. Make sure you are passive so you don't frighten or intimidate the MONO.
4. Bull the MONO into a CARKASSING Hold of your choice.
Recommended for beginners
Gorilla Style
1. Get down on all fours. It is important that you are at eye level with your MONO.
2. When getting close to your MONO, use ERRATIC hand gestures to throw it off. (a simple swaying of the arms should do the trick.)
3. NEVER make a direct move on your MONO. Instead, zigzag erratically to confuse your MONO.
4. Move in for the kill.
Not recommended for beginners
Holds
1. The MONO Hold - Purpose: Transportation
Wrap your arms around the waist of the MONO, so your fingers interlock. Pick up the MONO and move to a location of your choice.
2. The Dual MONO Hold - Purpose: Transportation
Use two arms, but this time, grab two different regions of the MONO and then transport the MONO.
3. The MONO Blanket - Purpose: Disabling
Get down on your knees and use your upper body to completely encapsulate the MONO.
This move is NOT to be abused. See "The Dark Blanket" and #11 of The Code of MONO.
4. The MONO Elevator - Purpose: Transportation
Hold both arms in a "hook" shape. Then use your "hooks" lift the MONO up.
5. The ROLL & CARKASS - Purpose: Disabling
This is more complicated.
* You must MASSAGE the MONO in many different ways so the MONO rolls on its side.
* Once the MONO is fully CARKASSED, bull it into a MONO hold of your choice.
Stances
1. CARKASSED
The easiest stance to work with.
This is when the MONO is lying side-ways; legs are DISABLED
Counter: everything
2. Alert
This is when the MONO is sitting, but on ALL fours.
Counter: The ROLL & CARKASS, The MONO blanket, and in some cases The MONO hold.
3. Moving
This is (obviously) when the MONO is moving.
Counter: Stalking Maneuvers
4. Dorsal Position
Similar to Alert, this is when the MONOs stomach is face-down.
Counter: The ROLL & CARKASS, The MONO blanket, and in some cases The MONO hold.
This term is more commonly used when referring to The MONO Levels.
5. Ventricle Position
A CARKASSERS dream.
This is when the MONOs stomach is face-up. The MONO is completely disabled in this position.
Counter: everything
For an extra challenge, attempt to keep the MONO in this position for as long as you can. This international sport is called The Ventricle Challenge.
World Record: 15 minutes
(Fun Fact: Many CARKASSERS leave the MONO in this position to show that they've been there and that they have CARKASSED a MONO)
CARKASSING Maneuvers
1. Standard Pet
Simply use your hand to gently CARKASS its fur.
2. Face-Strafe
Hold your breath, and then rub your face across the MONO.
3. Ventricle Rub
Rub the underside and the chest of the MONO.
4. Full-Body CARKASS - AKA Freestyle-CARKASSING
Pick up the MONO (after DISABLING) and position it so its back is on your stomach. Commence CARKASSING.
This is one of the most powerful moves, because it activates Ventricle Dominance.
5. M.O.N.O. Assault Rifle
Hold the MONO like an assault rifle and pretend to "shoot" it.
6. Eye Ball Press
Press your eye socket against the MONOs head.
7. Throat Tickle
Apply face and rub gently against the MONOs throat.
8. The Rocking MONO
When the MONO is in a disabled state grab it with both hands, and rock it back and forth.
9. MONO CPR
Gently, but firmly, press the MONOs chest cavity.
10. MONO acupuncture
The most powerful, yet difficult move.
You must have the MONO breath on your eyeball, nose, temple, ear, or forehead to feel the intense tingling sensations that the MONO produces.
(Tip: Try getting the MONO to move into a Full-body CARKASS. Then, flip the MONO upside down and position its nose on your face.)
11. Chin-Strike
Use your chin to (gently) impale the MONO. Useful for performing MONO CPR or to displace some of the MONOs fat.
12. 360 Bulling
Have the MONO rest on your stomach and spin it. This is commonly used to re-position the MONO after an intense struggle.
CARKASSING Levels
Level 1: The MONO is COMPLETELY disabled, a few MEOWS here and there, but compliant.
Level 2: The MONO shows some resistance.
Level 3: The MONO will attempt to maneuver on its dorsal side for more leverage and easier escape. This can be countered by the Full-Body CARKASS or by sheer competence.
Level 4: The MONO shall use aggressive tactics and CARKENESS to escape. Only elitists can contain the MONO in this scenario. The MONO will use more special maneuvers.
Level 5: The MONO is impossible to contain for long. The God of MONOs will eventually release it regardless of the fact that The Algorithmic Gods are on your side. Keeping the MONO CARKASSED in this scenario is considered rude and sacrilegious.
The MONO should be released immediately.
(Note:You should yell out the appropriate levels when the MONO reaches that particular state)
(Ex. "We have a Level 3 erratic! I repeat, a Level 3 erratic!")
To sound algorithmic and cool add these words to the end of the Levels so you can describe the MONOs state as specifically as you can.
(In order of increasing severity)
1. calm
2. CARKASSY
3. Bully
4. erratic
5. God MONO
-
By default the MONO starts out on Level 1.
But when you CARKASS the MONO...
Once = Automatically on Level 2
Twice = Level 3 or 4
Three or more times = Level 4
CARKASSING Percentages
Your CARKASSING Percentage is based on these factors:
1. How many times you CARKASSED a MONO
2. How you CARKASSED a MONO
3. The MONOs mood
4. Skill of the CARKASSER
5. Skill of the MONO
Use the following guide to calculate your CARKASSING Percentage!
Level of the CARKASSER
1 = +40%
2 = +50%
3 = +75%
4 = +90%
5 = +120%
Level of the MONO
1 = 0%
2 = -5%
3 = -7%
4 = -15%
5 = -20%
Number of CARKASSING Sessions
1 = 0%
2 = -10%
3 = -14%
4 or more = -20%
How to find your average
1. Add your current level
2. Subtract the MONOs level
3. Subtract 20%
If your average is...
Less than 20% - You are a beginning CARKASSER; you won't last too long.
30 - 55% - You are a an intermediate CARKASSER! You should be able to keep the MONO CARKASSED for long periods of time.
80% - The perfect score. Combine this with Ventricle Dominance and you're *unstoppable!
1080% - The highest score achievable.
*you might be stopped
Special Attacks
CARKASSER Attacks
Ventricle Dominance = +90%
- Initiate this move by ensuring that the MONO is in the Ventricle Position. Using this move will make even a newbie look like a pro.
This maneuver usually has the capabilities to override everything else.
The strength of this maneuver increases to +145% if you are a Level 5.
(Note: You CANNOT use Ventricle Dominance and The MONO State at the same time)
The MONO State = +100%
- Initiate this move by calming the MONO down. This is can only be done at night, when the MONO is tired.
(Note: Only applies if the MONO is NOT in a Full-Body CARKASS)
The Dark Blanket = +1000%
- An unholy move. This goes against everything I have taught you. But it has it's purpose.
This is essentially The MONO Blanket, but this is when it is used for evil.
This counter-acts the effects of "Arrogance".
This is essentially The MONO Blanket, but when it is used for evil.
Used for disabling the MONO in emergency situations, The Dark Blanket mustn't be abused. See #11 for more details.
Level 6 = +200%
- Temporally turn into a CARKASSING God! It is COMPLETELY random. You must be a Level 5.
This counter-acts the effects of all maneuvers, except The God of MONOs. Has a 50% chance of disabling The Messenger of MONOs
However, there is a only a 5% chance of turning into a Level 6, so don't count on it.
-
MONOs Attacks
The Messenger of MONOs = -500%
- You will activate this counter-attack if you keep the MONO at Level 5 for too long...
It means the tormented MONOs escape, and your potential demise.
There is a 1% chance that the Messenger will summon The God of MONOs to help him.
Hungry MONO = -80%
- You will activate this maneuver if the MONO is starving.
Rule of Thumb: Keep the MONO fed.
Arrogance = N/A
- The MONO will RANDOMLY initiate this maneuver whenever it is above a Level 3 Bully. The MONO has a 1 out of 8 chance (12.5%) of escaping regardless of how high your CARKASSING Percentage is.
The chance of MONO escaping is 25% when it is a Level 4. The chance is 37.5% at Level 5.
MONO Breath = -1%
- The MONOs noxious breath will bull out your senses. While this maneuver is weak, it will cause the victim to instantly release the MONO if breathed on 5 times.
The Time-Keeping MONO = N/A
- CARKASSING MONO will become more difficult with time.
30 seconds = -20%
60 seconds = -50%
90 seconds = -70%
The MEOWING MONO = -10%
- The MONO shall escape using blood-curdling MEOWs. The MEOWs release chemicals in a Wootas or CARKASSER'S head, which bulls the senses. It causes the CARKASSER to lose control and potentially release the MONO.
Each MEOW does -10% damage; the damage stacks.
The God of MONOs = ?
- The most powerful move known to Woota or MONO-kind.
This maneuver is initiated whenever you commit a sacrilegious act. This could include abusing The Dark Blanket, disobeying The Code of MONO, etc.
It's capabilities and attributes are unknown. The strength of this maneuver, however, is proportional to the severity of the situation.
(Note: All of these calculations are approximate)
The Code of MONO
1. DO NOT attempt to CARKASS a MONO if it is PISSED. (Hissing, angry meowing, BUSHY tail, scratching, etc)
(Note: You may CARKASS the MONO to teach it a lesson, however you must be a Level 3 or higher)
2. DO bull your MONO if its a happy wawawa.
3. DO NOT CARKASS a MONO for extended periods of time.
4. DO let your MONO leave early on GOOD behavior.
5. DO NOT use the M.O.N.O. Assault rifle CARKASSING technique for more than 30 seconds.
6. DO feed the MONO to make CARKASSING easier.
7. DO NOT CARKASS the MONO for a total of 30 minutes a day.
8. DO CARKASS the MONO if you are in a bad mood.
9. DO NOT touch its rear legs. (unless the MONO is sleepy/disabled)
10. DO laugh at its MASSIVE incompetence from time to time.
11. The Dark Blanket can ONLY be used to help the MONO; using it for evil will be punishable by death.
MONO!
