In about a month and a half, my Tenth Year of combat will begin.

My last two years, were spent wandering around blindly. Making the same mistakes over and over. Never moving out of my vacuum-packed shell of world. My entire life, I have lived in isolation. Only very recently have I properly become aware and bothered by this. During my Eighth Combat Year, I was isolated and miserable, yet unable to explain why or how this was. I didn't understand my emotions properly during this period. Every year of my life prior to that, I wasn't bothered by lack of companionship. I cruised along somehow. Maybe the desire for forming lasting bonds begins during adolescence, right as puberty is taking off.

I coped through my Eighth Year pretty well. I just did what I always did through most of it, never noticing or being able to address my underlying problems. I didn't bother asking for help, I honestly didn't know I needed it, and was mostly unaware of matters. I didn't know how people worked. I didn't know how I worked.

But my Second Semester proved to the most grueling by far. The next five months of my life would be the worst. I was terribly ill at times, insecure, angry, isolated, underweight and possibly losing some too. Physically and mentally weak, shy, repressed, oppressed, ashamed, depressed. I felt awful.

Around March, things were only getting worse. I don't want to dig into too much of what happened (I can't hardly remember it myself) but my condition was worsening. I was truly suffering. No one to help me, and it never occurred to me to ask for help. I could have ended the pain quicker had I reached out.

The only thing to keep me going was the knowledge that Middle School was going to be over soon. I only had to endure for about 2½ months longer. I could do it. And, of course, I made it across the red tape, disheveled and scarred from cynicism and pain, but alive, and ready to recover.

Summer came and went. I made some plans, but failed to follow through on many of them. Most weren't too serious anyway, and I didn't fully devote myself. I can't even remember what they were. I probably just did the usual summer stuff.

My biggest regret about that summer is that I didn't properly mentally prepare myself for the coming year. I had this highly-idealistic vision that I would be cool and popular. That every thing was going to be great. I thought the kids, the classes, the experience, everything was going to be great. And I accepted this as reality. At the time, I thought this was reality. But my awakening would shock my like a bucket of icy sharp water. My awakening and realization was sudden and painful.

I was right about some things. My predication that a large portion of the Buller population would move away was correct. But I failed to account for lots of other things. The Bullers were replaced and then some.

My biggest mistake was that my isolation would continue. I had not changed, my peers had not changed, the artificial nature of school society was mostly the same. The main difference being that people simply left you alone in high school.

This I was eternally thankful for. In middle school, you'd get ridiculed for being wrong, different, outspoken, and sometimes for no clear reason at all. No justifiable reason anyway. I sometimes got bullied, physically harassed, but it never got too serious, thankfully. In a modern, western school, you get shunned for being this way. I had my own group of friends (all in band, which I was never a part of) that I hung out with, but when I re-evaluate my memories, it's clear that I was never truly a friend to them. Just a nice guy who was just 'there.' I was an outsider even while I was on an inside. I blame my upbringing for this. That coupled with my highly inward personality made forming lasting bonds impossible. No one was there to guide me. Realizing this was the first big step. One of my goals for this year is to try to bust into the seemingly concrete social sphere.

In high school, all of the social consequences are the same as in middle school, you become outcasted if you do not ingratiate yourself into a clique immediately. The most apparent and powerful effect is that you are ignored.

I was actually happy about this. 98% of the students at my school are jerks. I was ignored by them (mostly, I still had to watch my back and make a conscious effort to avoid trouble) and that was good thing, I thought. I was right, it was great that jerks ignored me. But I was ignored by almost everyone. No chance at socializing with new faces. No chance at true, meaningful companionship.

I realized this pretty early in the school year. I was absolutely crushed. I was to be entrapped in a cold, frictionless, loveless, vacuum for ten months of my life.

I found new, unique ways of coping during this time. I learned and changed in many ways. While stunted and discouraged by minimal social contact, I managed to trudge on through soggy mud banks and stormy skies. I'll admit, I felt very sorrowful and low at times, and I still do occasionally to this day, but I always managed to find something to keep me going. Still there were lots of mistakes made during this time. My ability to self-reflect and change was limited at some points. I didn't know how to laugh off and deal with pain and petty attacks and to sustain a stable level of happiness.

I was shaped by very many things in my environment. I changed a lot. I grew and matured as a person. I like the way I'm developing now. I have learned and am still learning the fundamentals I was never taught and few other things along the way.

I have a few interests that sparked my curiosity and imagination and I pursue them whenever I can.

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The only thing really holding me back is my personal doubts and insecurities. I understand them well. I know where my fears stem from. And yet they still scare me. But I will need to ignore my fears and doubts and just take the plunge. There isn't much to calculate here. I blundered terribly last year and the year before that, because I was afraid of risks that would seriously affect my life. I have disciplined myself and now know what I need to do.

Just take that plunge...

This reminds of an Art of War quote:

"Place your army in peril, and it will survive; plunge it into desperate straits, and it will come off in safety." - The Nine Situations

More Intel and Nicaraguan updates soon, as developments occur.

- Your Great Leader